I am free

As I sat there in the jail cell, I reviewed the sequence of events in my mind. How did I get here?

When the tour guide stopped at the Crown Jewels display, I specifically remember her saying "Priceless". She said, "This collection is PRICELESS." Any normal, innocent person would come to the same logical conclusion: priceless = no price = free.

So, naturally, I was surprised to be taken to the floor so quickly just for trying to grab some of this 'free' merchandise. I mean, they may say it has no price, but it sure looked to me as though I could fetch a decent price on e-bay or craig's list.

It was an honest mistake - no need for that billy club to the gut. A simple, "Hey, put that back" would have sufficed.

Snore

I haven't written this yet (as I type this sentence), but here's a poem inspired by the church men's retreats and family retreats that we have each a year:

Without fail, every year
the snorers strategically place themselves
at lest one per room.
Some years I remember my ear plugs
and even a fan to drowned it all out.
some years, I forget
some years, I regret
this year, I was on the bunk directly above my obligatory snorer
The year of the Drew had to be the worst
-worse than a freight train as if I were laying between the tracks as it passed overhead
I would try to trick myself into imagining that I was off in a cabin and
some old man was sawing logs in the distance, but invariably,
that old man would saw louder & louder until he started to choke to death
and then it turned out he wasn't actually sawing or choking,
but rather trying to start up his Harley.
Unfortunately, he was successful throughout the night at starting
and restarting that motorbike.
It wasn't off in the distance either.
The Harley was in my ear canal.
It's ironic that going to a church men's retreat would inspire me to want to kill another human.
Why would I fantasize about smothering a guy in his sleep?
After all, I'd just be putting a choking old man out of his misery.

Hell

Just a quick thought...

So many people have used the phrase, "The world is going to Hell in a hand basket."

Now that there's 6 billion(+) people in the world, wouldn't it at least be more like a grocery cart ?

The world going to Hell in a grocery cart...

Boat, Boat, don't fall off the Boat

This post is totally self-serving. I just felt like typing out my reminiscing.

When we were little kids, we used to play a fun ‘game’ called Boat, Boat, don’t fall off the Boat. Basically, all we would do is get every chair and sofa pillow in the house and stack them all on top of this leather barcalounger. Then we would get up on top of the princess-and-the-pea style stack and try not to fall off. Not once was it played where we didn’t end up ‘falling off the boat,’ so I guess you didn’t really win by staying on the boat. You won by getting to have fun and laugh. It would be pretty boring if you never fell off...

I could still be there today.

I’m going to visit my family next weekend. Maybe I should see if my siblings want to play just one more time.

Why did...

To truly understand humor, it helps to analyze classic jokes.

Today we'll talk about "Why did the chicken cross the road?" There have been many variations on this joke, but the original answer is, of course, "To get to the other side."

In painstakingly pondering over why this joke is so funny, I came to a simple conclusion.

It's not really that funny.

bitsow

There is, in the annals of our traditions, a saying that, shall we say, for the most part, drives home the point that the more we, as humans, incline ourselves to keep our delivery of the language to a minimum, the more our perceived intelligence increases in the mind of others. Said sayings are the essence of funniness and cleverness as long as they adhere to the principle that shorter is better. Quips are droll. As long as the proverb, adage, maxim, axiom, motto, aphorism and/or saying is tiny, petite, stunted, brief, diminutive, & undersized, then it will be considered in good standing at the core as being comical, amusing and/or humorous.

i.e. brevity is the soul of wit.

Untitled (simply entitled "Untitled")

My love is unbridled
The poem's untitled
The wave is un-tidaled

(Rhyme Scheme: A A A)

Thursday Band Names

It's Thursday, and you know what that means...
Time for another round of band name suggestions.
You're totally welcome to use any of these, or any combination therein - free of charge:

Mobile Lampshade Face
Forthwith Fishwith Fifth'll frith
Knee-knockin' Juggernauts
Noble Rancor Monster
Gutheadfeetfoot
Pippy-short & stocky
Never mind, it's your turn
iPod filler
Love Stain

I'm typing this before I think

I feel like I should add another post, but I've yet to think of an idea, so...here we go...

quit what every red tom york under influences of patriotic and sad damsels find grand having just knotted lazy zipper xenophobes 'cause virtual bounties never mention

OK. Five bucks to the first person that figures out where that came from.
Leave your guess(es) in the comments section.

IRON NICK

This is a link to the first submission from a reader.
Since the story is a bit longer than my usual posts, I'm putting a link here to the story.

I give you IRON NICK

Pot-Bellied Sneeches

I’m going to write a Dr. Seuss-esque story about a race that thought they were better than others because of their beer gut. Then when the others also grew beer guts to fit in, they put a tattoo of a pot leaf on their gut to differentiate themselves again and consider themselves better. At this point, they were Pot-Bellied twice over. When the “lesser Sneeches” leveled the playing field by tattooing as well, then the “betters” shoved large cooking pots onto their bellies. At this point the lesser Sneeches chopped off the bellies of the “betters” and cooked the bellies in the pots. It turns out if you push a Sneech too far, he becomes a cannibal.

Two Toe Charlie

I had a pretty good idea as to why they called him
"Two Toe Charlie."
What I did not realize, was that those two toes
were coming out of the side of his neck.

Buzz

I debated about posting this because it's stupid in too many ways...

If you have a friend that takes things too literally, then when you want them to call you on the phone, don't say, "Give me a buzz."
It's gonna take five weeks before my hair grows back out.

Guilt Gene

As a family therapist, I've become aware of an innate trait in humans.
It's called the Guilt Gene.
It manifests itself in a slightly different way in males and females.
When a wife or girlfriend is upset the man feels guilty.
When a wife or girlfriend is upset the woman feels that the man is guilty.

Lesson in Literature

One thing the majority of people overlook in prose is the importance of the use of the word "the."
It must be used sparingly. Take, for instance, the following incorrect sentence:
The hammock the fairy the the brothers the the the and the forlorn.

Lessons for Life

There are three things every man should know:

1. How to tell direction by using the Sun or Stars
2. How to skin a live goat using a toothpick and three blades of grass
3. You'll have to figure this one out for yourself, pal

Child of the 80's

I've always considered myself a child of the 80's.
Sure, technically, I was born in '76
but, when I was born, my parents were both octogenarians.

So, fine...

Well, I'm starting a new blog here. This was a stagnant page for a long time, but I was inspired by a friend in Nashville that started a page (link) like I'm gonna shoot for. So, if you enjoy weird, stupid things. You've come to the right place.